Story Sensei

From contest entries and critiques that I’ve done, I’ve noticed that often people don’t quite understand what exactly is “showing” and what exactly is “telling.” So, I’m doing this series to give numerous examples so that you can see for yourself the various kinds of “telling” that can occur in your own manuscript, and suggestions for fixing it. She arrived at her parents’ home, which always reminded her of a gingerbread house . The italicized phrase is “telling” the reader what the house looks like. Instead, why not “show” the reader her emotional reaction to the house while you describe it? It would make a more vibrant way of “showing” the same information. For example: She arrived at her parents’ house, a great big gingerbread confection that made her want to gag at the sweetness. or She arrived at her parents’ house, a great big gingerbread confection that lifted her spirits as if she were on a sugar rush. In the examples, the character’s emotions are incorporated in the descriptio

From contest entries and critiques that I’ve done, I’ve noticed that often people don’t quite understand what exactly is “showing” and what exactly is “telling.” So, I’m doing this series to give numerous examples so that you can see for yourself the various kinds of “telling” that can occur in your own manuscript, and suggestions for fixing it. She admired the rows of Salvatore Ferragamo shoes, her only extravagance . The italicized phrase is “telling.” Now before you start screaming that it’s short (after all, it’s only three words), think about it—if you eliminate as much “telling” from your manuscript as possible, the vibrancy of the writing as a whole goes up a notch. Instead of “telling” the reader about how Ferragamo shoes are her only extravagance at that point, save it for when it’s vital to the current action. For example: She slowed as she passed the Neimann Marcus shoe section. Oh, that black leather one … No, she shouldn’t—she’d bought a pair of Ferragamo’s only two weeks

From contest entries and critiques that I’ve done, I’ve noticed that often people don’t quite understand what exactly is “showing” and what exactly is “telling.” So, I’m doing this series to give numerous examples so that you can see for yourself the various kinds of “telling” that can occur in your own manuscript, and suggestions for fixing it. Amy’s eyes were the size of her forgotten hard-boiled egg. “That’s amazing!” So amazing that it had ruined Jeannie’s peaceful breakfast. She had a half-brother in New Orleans that she’d never even known existed before. He had written and wanted to meet her, now that their feuding parents were both gone. The second paragraph is “telling.” Granted, it’s short—which might be a good enough reason to keep it as is—but there’s also a more vibrant way of “showing” this with dialogue. Amy’s eyes were the size of her forgotten hard-boiled egg. “That’s amazing!” “Amazing enough to ruin my breakfast.” Jeannie toyed with her cold toast. “What are you talki

From contest entries and critiques that I’ve done, I’ve noticed that often people don’t quite understand what exactly is “showing” and what exactly is “telling.” So, I’m doing this series to give numerous examples so that you can see for yourself the various kinds of “telling” that can occur in your own manuscript, and suggestions for fixing it. Jeannie looked Amy in the eyes. “So, tell me what your Mama told you.” Just like Jeannie to be straight to the point. She’d always been that way, even in grade school. Sometimes her directness was a bit tactless and got her in trouble. Amy was so unlike Jeannie—tender-hearted to the point of not wanting to hurt anybody’s feelings. The entire second paragraph is telling. What information in that paragraph does the reader absolutely need to know for the current scene? Also, the first sentence in the paragraph is extraneous—you already show her directness by her line of dialogue. Here’s a better example. Jeannie looked Amy in the eyes. “So, tell m

I have added a new service to my Story Sensei critique business! Screening Critique I now offer an inexpensive partial manuscript critique that you can choose first to find out if you’d like to hire me for your full manuscript. My Screening Critique is one of four options: (a) the first 3,000 words of your manuscript for $40. (b) the first 6,000 words of your manuscript for $75. (c) the first 3,000 words of your manuscript PLUS a two-page, single-spaced synopsis for $60 ($40 for manuscript, $20 for 2-page synopsis). (d) the first 6,000 words of your manuscript PLUS a two-page, single-spaced synopsis for $95 ($75 for manuscript, $20 for 2-page synopsis). After the critique, if you decide you would like to hire me for your full manuscript, you can send me the rest of your manuscript and I will give you a discount off the cost of the full manuscript critique—$40 or $75, or whatever the cost of your Screening Critique. The Screening Critique is a good way to determine if you like my editin

From contest entries and critiques that I’ve done, I’ve noticed that often people don’t quite understand what exactly is “showing” and what exactly is “telling.” So, I’m doing this series to give numerous examples so that you can see for yourself the various kinds of “telling” that can occur in your own manuscript, and suggestions for fixing it. She rocked back and forth on the porch swing. Her family had moved into this house when Daddy carried Mama over the threshold. She’d broken this swing a few times by jumping on it, her brother had dug a hole under the front porch, and her sister had painted flowers along the white-washed railings. The neighbors were friendly and the tree-lined street cool in summertime. Her backyard ran against a giant meadow that belonged to some development company. The second paragraph is all “telling” information about her family and her house. Does the reader absolutely need to know all that information right at that moment in the story? If not, then cut i

From contest entries and critiques that I’ve done, I’ve noticed that often people don’t quite understand what exactly is “showing” and what exactly is “telling.” So, I’m doing this series to give numerous examples so that you can see for yourself the various kinds of “telling” that can occur in your own manuscript, and suggestions for fixing it. She stared at the funeral wreath, full of white lilies. She remembered Daddy’s garden, thriving with lush red roses and golden daffodils. The second sentence is “telling” the reader about a remembrance. The question to ask is, does the reader absolutely need to know the information about Daddy’s garden right at that moment? If no, then cut it. If they do need to know the info, there’s a more active and emotional way to “show” it. For example: The cloying scent of the funeral wreath made her stomach heave and her throat gag. Daddy would have hated it. Lilies had had no place in his garden among the more stately roses and cheerful daffodils. It f

From contest entries and critiques that I’ve done, I’ve noticed that often people don’t quite understand what exactly is “showing” and what exactly is “telling.” So, I’m doing this series to give numerous examples so that you can see for yourself the various kinds of “telling” that can occur in your own manuscript, and suggestions for fixing it. ”How dare you use wire hangers?!” Mama threw one at her, and the edge scratched her arm. She flinched. She didn’t cry as Mama yelled at her. She had learned that tears only made her scream louder. The italicized sentence is “telling” the reader about her past experience. (Actually, the “as Mama yelled at her” is also “telling” and extraneous because you “show” Mama yelling in the previous paragraph.) There’s a more active and emotional way to “show” this. For example: ”How dare you use wire hangers?!” Mama threw one at her, and the edge scratched her arm. She flinched. She mustn’t cry. She mustn’t. She screwed her eyes shut, but a tear squeezed

From contest entries and critiques that I’ve done, I’ve noticed that often people don’t quite understand what exactly is “showing” and what exactly is “telling.” So, I’m doing this series to give numerous examples so that you can see for yourself the various kinds of “telling” that can occur in your own manuscript, and suggestions for fixing it. She looked out at the high school. Three years ago, she’d been secretary there, and now she was secretary for the intermediate school instead. The second sentence is “telling” the reader about the character. This information is the kind of thing that could probably be more actively “shown” in dialogue. For example: (This conversation might be something that comes later in the story) He took her hand. “Why don’t you come work for me at the high school?” She pulled her hand away. “Nuh-uh. I already did that.” “Huh?” “I was secretary at the high school three years ago. Now I’m at the intermediate school.” “So I’m three years too late.” His flirtat

From contest entries and critiques that I’ve done, I’ve noticed that often people don’t quite understand what exactly is “showing” and what exactly is “telling.” So, I’m starting this series to give numerous examples so that you can see for yourself the various kinds of “telling” that can occur in your own manuscript, and suggestions for fixing it. She had almost been kil—no, she had to stop thinking about it. Her hands shook as she cleaned up the spilled juice from the counter. She tended to be a little obsessive-compulsive, putting things in order, cleaning things up as soon as the mess happened. If anything was even a little out of place, she had to straighten it or she couldn’t concentrate. She used her fidgeting now to calm herself. Pretty much everything after the second sentence is “telling.” Rather than “telling” the reader about her personality, it would be more vivid to “show” it to them through her actions and thoughts. For example: She had almost been kil—no, she had to sto

I'll be starting a new series on Show versus Tell next week, but if you have anything you want me to cover on any other topic after that, just post a comment here or email me through my profile.

Action tags can be great for conveying a character’s emotions without actually saying what the character is feeling. This is especially useful if you want to convey character A’s emotions, but you’re in character B’s point of view for the scene. ”You’re a bit red. Are you okay?” “Of course. I’m fine.” He sloshed his straw up and down in his iced tea, making a few drops land on the table. Obviously, he’s not fine, but he’s trying to make the character believe he is. “Mr. Carrisford?” A woman’s voice called behind Jerry and Sue. Jerry’s hand spasmed in hers. However, he didn’t turn around. The woman hustled up to them. “Mr. Carrisford?” She touched Jerry’s arm. He turned to her. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong person.” Here, Jerry’s hand spasming tells Sue something isn’t right, despite what he tells the woman. Take a look at your action tags in the manuscript. Do they do something besides tell the reader who’s speaking? See if you can make them convey emotion in addition to action.

Ideally, you should be able to tell each character apart from their dialogue alone, without any qualifying names. Each character’s sentences should be said so distinctly that a reader could immediately know that line is the heroine and that line is the hero. “Land sakes, Pastor Dave, what in tarnation are you doing with a gun? I thought pastors aren’t supposed to bear arms or somesuch as that. Do the deacons know you’ve got a firearm in your office? I don’t think they’d be very pleased.” “Mrs. Cauffield, I don’t have time to explain.” “Now wait a cotton-pickin’ minute. You’re not walking out of this office without some kind of explanation about why a grown man is heading outside with a gun in broad daylight with neither hide nor tail of deer around these parts, and hunting season months away. Pastor Dave! Come back!” Many factors can contribute to a character’s distinct voice: Sentence structure—some characters speak in fragments, others in full, proper sentences. Word choices—some cha

Vary sentence structure so it doesn’t get sing-songy. “How are you?” “I’m fine.” “That’s good.” “How’s your mother?” “She’s just peachy.” “My dad arrived.” “Yesterday?” “Last week.” “How’s he doing?” “Enjoying himself.” Aside from the fact this dialogue as absolutely NO CONFLICT, the sentence structure is unvarying. Here’s another example. “I talked with the director yesterday.” He jerked his thumb toward the office door. “I hope that it went well.” Her eyebrows rose. “We got a lot accomplished.” He nodded enthusiastically. “Did you make a decision?” She raised her pen to take notes. “We decided to table it for now.” He shrugged and sighed. “Who will you hire?” She scanned her list of candidates. “It’s down to two people.” He raised two fingers. Here again (aside from NO CONFLICT), the sentences are all about the same lengths, and each dialogue line ends with an action tag. The dialogue cadence is the same for the entire example. “This is Felicia.” She adjusted the headset’s microphone

You can use tags besides “said.” I know, some people would call that heresy, but it’s true. Now, that being said, don’t go overboard—you don’t want your characters mumbling, chirping, drawling, squeaking, yelling, and hissing all through your book. But an occasional action verb can add nuance to the dialogue by telling the reader how the line is said. “If you keep it up, I’m going to smack you,” she hissed. Here, the character is trying to not let people know she’s upset by pitching her voice down but still trying to convey her displeasure. “If you keep it up, I’m going to smack you,” she bellowed. The character has reached a point where she doesn’t care who hears her and wants the person she’s yelling at to stop whatever they’re doing. “If you keep it up, I’m going to smack you,” she sang. Here, the character is talking to a person old enough to realize the threat of her words even though the tone is sweet. In each line, the atmosphere and flavor of the dialogue exchange changes depen

Where you put the dialogue tag can make a difference with emphasis and pacing. “Sure, I did it last week,” she said. She said, “Sure, I did it last week.” “Sure,” she said, “I did it last week.” Readers tend to pause slightly at the sight of a dialogue tag, whether they know they doing it or not. As a writer, you can take advantage of that pause to add emphasis or subtly impact the pacing of the scene. For example, if a scene is going a bit fast and you want to slow it down a little, a tag here and there can moderate the pace. A dialogue tag can slow the pacing of the dialogue, so it’s not just back-and-forth like a tennis match. Example one: “Jenn is totally freaking out,” Trish said. “What brought all this on?” Venus asked. “Well, Aunty Yuki had a doctor’s appointment today—” “Is she doing okay?” “Clean bill of health. Cancer’s gone, as far as they can tell.” “So that’s why she’s taken over Jenn’s kitchen?” “She took one look at me and decided I needed something to help the baby alon

I blogged at Seekerville yesterday about something I learned from my editor about Character growth versus likeability . Update: Sorry about that, the link is fixed now.

Use dialogue and action tags to eliminate confusion about who’s talking, but don’t use so many that they distract. Example one: “Jenn is totally freaking out,” Trish said. “What brought all this on?” Venus asked. “Well, Aunty Yuki had a doctor’s appointment today—” “Is she doing okay?” “Clean bill of health. Cancer’s gone, as far as they can tell.” “So that’s why she’s taken over Jenn’s kitchen?” “She took one look at me and decided I needed something to help the baby along.” This example could use a few more dialogue tags or action tags to help the reader understand who’s speaking. By the end, it’s getting confusing keeping track of who’s saying what. Example two: “Jenn is totally freaking out,” Trish said. “What brought all this on?” Venus asked. “Well, Aunty Yuki had a doctor’s appointment today—” Trish started. “Is she doing okay?” Venus interrupted. “Clean bill of health. Cancer’s gone, as far as they can tell,” Trish said. “So that’s why she’s taken over Jenn’s kitchen?” Venus sa

I was honored to be part of C.J. Darlington's blog post series on "If you could say one thing to aspiring novelists, what would you say?" (I forgot to post this earlier when the blog post first came out.) My answer to C.J.'s question

I was over at Kaye Dacus's blog, where she asked me to write about writing Asian American novels .